Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
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what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
jfc Caroline my wife almost saw this
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
Other people were raised to kiss the chef if they found a bay leaf in their food too, right? Why is this restaurant asking me to leave
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
The big book of baby names but for safe words
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.