Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*

My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.

That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.

“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me

Almost just got hit by an ambulance, which would have been handy I guess.

You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.

Me: Good night.

Brain: Night.

Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?

“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”

me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are

date: what are you having

me: an ok time

I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!

Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!

Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?

Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-

[train explodes]

me: you’re brothers?

mario: that’s-a right!

me: which explains why you dress the same

luigi: that’s-a right!

me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?

mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is

Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here

cute girl: can i have ur number?

me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use

As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.

Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha

Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.

Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.

Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.

DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts

ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady

My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.

Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women

‘Bring your child to work day’ discriminates against those of us who choose not to have a job.

I get badly burnt by the sun, hate garlic and can be killed by a wooden stake through the heart. I wonder if there is something my uncle Vlad never told me.

Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.

I’m dismayed…

My doctor said my cervix is perfect.

I’m still blushing.

I have a box of thirdhand rice. My daughter’s friend bought it, but then he moved out of his apartment so he gave it to her because it wasn’t opened. Now she’s moving out of her apartment so she gave it to me because it wasn’t opened. I’m not really sure how I feel about it.

ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.

THEM: That’s a cactus

All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.