Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
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We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Friend: The year is almost over. What have you accomplished?
Me: I don’t like your tone.
Dr Raygun has achieved a feat absolutely unheard of in academia – people are reading her thesis
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
Scientists have proven that combination locks are a lot harder to open when you have to pee.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha