Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.

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List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws


Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab


Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving

Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band


My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.


Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?

Her: [Completely ignores me]

Me: Knew it!


”How’d you get that scar on your head?”

[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]

”Stopped a bank robbery”


Pretty weird to think that in the future, there will be old people named ‘Hailey’ and ‘Brayden’ running around in vintage Twilight t-shirts.