@junejuly12

Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.

You Might Also Like

@animaldrumss

Rembrandt was unsurpassed in his ability to depict light and shadow in his works, until the camera came out. then he got insanely surpassed

@krissywillbretz

Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.

@TheTennisPhenom

hello 911, yeah me again. so listen 29 of my recent tweets have been stolen and.. hello? hello?

@OctopusCaveman

Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack

Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs

Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome

@EJGomez

*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN

@BubblesnBooze

Him: How would you describe yourself?

Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.

@girlnarly

[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.

@GrantTanaka

Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT

@philyuck

Horse-drawn carriages are pretty cool but the horses should learn to draw other stuff

@Jake_Vig

Bodyguard Idea:

Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.