List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– spaghetti at your in-laws
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
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Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Pretty weird to think that in the future, there will be old people named ‘Hailey’ and ‘Brayden’ running around in vintage Twilight t-shirts.