@junejuly12

Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.

You Might Also Like

@Weird_Rash

List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws

@Marlebean

Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab

@ArfMeasures

Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving

Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band

@JustMeTurtle

My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.

@TheRolo

Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?

Her: [Completely ignores me]

Me: Knew it!

@SentenceReduced

”How’d you get that scar on your head?”

[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]

”Stopped a bank robbery”

@mishakey

Pretty weird to think that in the future, there will be old people named ‘Hailey’ and ‘Brayden’ running around in vintage Twilight t-shirts.