Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
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“Whistle while you work”
~The boogers in my nose
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
I support this random dude and all his protests
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.