Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Barnabas had a lazy eye.

The other, however, was a real go-getter.

The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.

CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT

My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch

Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.

Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.

“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”

*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*

“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”

I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.

In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.

My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.

Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.

Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.

Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31

Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.

The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.

My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.

Him: This fish is too fishy.

Me: How’s your water? Too wet?

Son: Can we go to the beach?

Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.

Me: what word would you use?

Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before

*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!

“You ruined everything.”

-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops

Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.

I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?

Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked

Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off

Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!

Torturer: I’ll burn your skin

Me: Never talking!

Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school

Me: It’s 2547

May I pay you handsomely, good sir?

-Why yes you may.

*opens wallet*

*pulls out Ryan Gosling*

No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.

Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*

Satan:

Me:

Satan: Give it back…

Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.

interviewer: why’d you leave your last job

me: i heard a loud noise

interviewer: wow what was it

me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired

[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work

A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.