Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.

ME: What’s that on your wrist?

CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.

ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*

CW: That’s just a regular watch.

ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.

britain’s three elite institutions

You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.

You also look like a bad speller.

Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.

interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any

me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses

As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.

Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?

Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.

Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.

Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.

You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.

Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?

My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.

A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.

Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?

[paleontology class]

PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?

STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?

PROFESSOR: bingo!

STUDENT: *smug look*

PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous

I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.

Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox

My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.

Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.

Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.

Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy

May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans

I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..

me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you

daughter: no I have my own banana

me: haha I know but its like a phone

daughter: how

What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?

If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.

Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.

I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.

Urban Dictionary defines Heck:

Where you go if you don’t believe in Gosh.

As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.

What’s this sorcery? 😂

Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?

Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?