Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
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I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
What happens when Batman sees Catwoman?
The Dark Knight Rises
Happy Tuesday
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes throughout my house.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg