Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Gender reveal party]

Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?

Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.

Deciding which personality is going to respond to an email

Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand

She’ll love it

I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…

this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning

Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”

*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*

[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*

[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here

Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!

Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?

I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never

On this day in 1917, Canada introduced its first income tax as a “temporary measure.” So that fun little experiment should be wrapping up aaaany day now.

They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.

I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now

[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED

Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!

Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!

My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.

Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me

My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.

Me when I wear 4 inch heels

Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles

Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.

boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here

I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.

Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher

JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor

The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything

Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.

craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead

still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too

Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?

Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.

I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.

Ha ha I’m so lonely