Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.

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what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home


wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep


My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.


“living well is the best revenge”. yeah but obviously im not gonna do that. whats the second best. cutting their brakes, right


I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.


Just stopped by my old high school and updated my phone number on all the bathroom stalls.


Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?

Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.

Me: Yes it is.


Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?

*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face