Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.

I love texting my boyfriend

Spring of Deception

I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.

I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.

Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.

“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.

Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien

Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?

Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?

townsfolk: you should come to the festival

me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?

townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?

me: oh i’m going regardless

the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery

A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.

“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.

my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place

Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.

Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye

Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.

If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.

I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..

Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.

Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”

They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.

me: absolute shit technique

murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?

Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey

Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.

my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35

me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”

My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:

yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes

Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.