Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
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I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
I’m writing a story about a guy who goes searching for parts to build a bookcase. It’s a journey of shelf discovery.
…No, YOU shut up.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”