“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
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The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
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I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
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But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
Forgetting how to clean the dishes and shooting them with a gun
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
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“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
I accidentally went to Homesense today and accidentallier bought Christmas decorations
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I got a job as a bullet
They fired me immediately
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
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Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep