Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years

Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.

When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.

“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday

My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time

I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match

[Knock at the door]

Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?

Mary: What’s he done this time?

can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.

[kid, about to do something stupid]

ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.

“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”

Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.

Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]

Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.

If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide

INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?

ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.

INTERVIEWER: What?

ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.

I deal with my problems in the order they were received.

Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.

A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.

shop assistant: do you need help?

me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle

Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.

If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.

“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”

People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete

The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.

Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job

Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?

Me: Yes

Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-

Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel

Her: what

#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant

chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”