Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
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My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
The most important meal of the day is the next one
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
I suggest to my kid that she could leave her purse at home as she goes to spend the weekend at her grandparents house.
“No, my money is in it.”
“What could you possibly need money for at Grammy’s house?”
“In case I need to make a bet”
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
When you have to use a public restroom.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
Never date someone just for their body. Intros, conclusions, and section transitions matter.
there’s music for literally every activity
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
sneaking therapy tips into conversation with my mom like how u give a dog a pill wrapped in cream cheese
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.