Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
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“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.