Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile

Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.

[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all

[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.

You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.

[first day as a cop]

me: i found the body

other officer: any id?

me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner

I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.

You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.

“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.

[getting pulled over]

ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?

MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me

I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.

After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.

Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.

-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)

If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.

[Extremely heavy metal voice]

HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY

a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste

Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.

Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:

1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab

Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.

WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.

ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it

Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.

The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex

I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…

Me: oh shit I am running so late

My dog: [barfs]

I’m 36 years old and I still look for someone older than me when an adult is needed

Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago

What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.

A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.