Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
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ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
last night i was drinking a non-alcoholic beer and the baby wanted to try it so i let her and she loved it and kept going back for more which would normally be fine but we were at a brewery so the optics were kinda like, not great
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
It’s almost like we’re living in a zoo if we charged the animals in the zoo for taxes, food, rent, and healthcare.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
whoever named the meatball absolutely nailed it
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some