Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive

Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.

me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that

“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext

*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*

ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing

Tickling is the most absurd bodily function.

Here, let me use feathers to completely incapacitate you.

Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?

Roman: Just the one, thanks

My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”

If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.

In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.

happy to report that “what time is it/time for you to get a watch” is still being used by the youths

What if my cans are tuna cans or industrial school size cans of peaches in syrup or old rusty tin cans connected with string, can I still show them off? I heard people like looking at other people’s cans

I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink

haunted house: get. out.

me: (telling spicy gossip) right?

FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!

ME: This reminds me of a time

FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*

I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects

Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.

Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.

cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort

Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”

My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.

*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in this

Nurse: you’re not a patient here

dad: where do you think you’re going

me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?

If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?

This recipe takes only 30 minutes.

3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.

Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”

A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.

here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.

Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.