“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
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‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?