I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
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cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars