Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”

#parenting

What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?

I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.

A wise man once said nothing.

[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me*

*Prius spins out of control*

Thug life.

“Okay Nancy, try it now.”

Whoops

Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO

me: you can’t take all that candy to school

son: then what do I do with it?

me: you leave it here

son: here? with you?

If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?

“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.

Well if this doesn’t sum up 2024 perfectly I don’t know what does

What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy

What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light

masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?

*buys box of donut holes*

I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow

Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.

[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough

Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.

When I was little I asked my dad if I was adopted.

Dad: LOL! Why in the world would we have chosen you?

[Death row]

Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.

Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?

Why not a pufferpuma?

I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.

[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the vic

cop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning

me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?

Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?

[blind date]

Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.

Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*

What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?

HDMI

My bachelor party always end with a wedding.

How can you tell a vampire has the virus?

He’ll be coffin.

[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway