Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow

T-REX: oh great

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.

Cheer up.

ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*

me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar

{ 15 years later }

me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence

like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)

Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.

[a duel]

Him: Choose your weapons.

Me: Um…banjos.

Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.

I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.

I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.

Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.

We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.

Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.

I feel so good when I drink enough water. Not like, physically. I just feel like I’m better than everyone else

Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.

And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”

Clubbing in my 20s:

Spills beer *everywhere*

Clubbing in my 40s:

Everywhere is so sticky!?

It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?

it is so crazy how many hours are actually in a day when u wake up before 11:30 am…..wow………do people know about this

Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.

Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop

I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.

If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.

FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??

FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?

FamousJerk: H lp m l n!

I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.

My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.

🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶

– assembling my bike… I was about 6

You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.

Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.

They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.

I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.

What? I’m sure that’s traditional.