Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
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Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
And then there were 4
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
My job’s cybersecurity training said to “never assume a connection is real” and I was like I’m WAY ahead of you, pal
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
my first day as a raccoon
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm