Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.

[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]

“You see? She is both dead and al-”

“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”

Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit

Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that

My kid: You know what I’m thinking??

Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?

”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”

*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day

It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar

my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”

My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤

Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.

If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.

I feel like the “how to” book of my life was written in braille…and that shortly after I became an adult, someone clipped off my fingertips with pruning shears.

If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.

The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline

not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works

what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?

thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.

There are a lot of reasons i will never shoot anyone, but somewhere on the list is “people reading everything I ever wrote on the internet”

My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.

If you were wondering about my hiding skills.

Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..

What the hell is wrong with you?!

a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip

Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-

Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?

Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.

Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?

“What? Why?”

It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..

“It’s OUR wedding!”

Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.

HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.

Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.

All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.

All the ones with all of the above are fictional.

Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.

HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!

Who called it cremation and not ashashination

The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins

My body: please we are begging you to eat a vegetable or drink a single glass of water

me looking at the christmas cookie tray:

At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.

So, when we talk about history repeating itself are we talking just fashion trends or can I start prepping for a pet dinosaur ?