Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.

Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?

While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!

If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.

*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*

ugh, it tastes like the house

The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again

Well, maybe we should get rid of it

The plant? But we just got it

. . .Haha yeah, the plant

My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.

If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.

[Sahara desert]

Me: *shares canteen*

Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*

Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.

My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂

ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish

DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian

ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?

My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.

I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.

Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.

If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.

DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]

If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.

Basically, any European coat of arms:

Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.

Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.

Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off

Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors

My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.

Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.

Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.

[first day as geologist]

me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part

went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm

Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?

I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.

I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.

The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language