@AngryRaccoon2

“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”

-Netflix.

“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”

-Netflix.

- @AngryRaccoon2

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@mysteryteacher

Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?

Everybody.

@dlockw21

12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?

Me: Because I love you.

@underrateDad

My super power is picking up all the laundry in one arm then bending over for 5 minutes picking up that one sock that keeps falling out.

@iLikeCatShirts

Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?

Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs

@bourgeoisalien

Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”

@glenna_opt

we all had to sign a card for a coworker thats retiring and i just wrote “please take me with you” in it

@WhaJoTalkinBout

*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time

@TheTweetOfGod

The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.

@Jake_Vig

“Do as many squats as you feel like, I don’t want to get involved.”

– impersonal trainer

@NrouteHQ

A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves