date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
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Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: *starts sweating*
Me: You have to be nice or Santa won’t deliver any toys this year.
5: My brother lets me play with his.
Hmmm, why don’t we try reincarnation. Here, take this razor blade and I’ll leave you alone for a few moments…
-me as a therapist
Dads: what times your flight?
Dads: id get there at 8am
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
ME: Detectives on tv always take people to diners to ask them questions.
ME: Maybe a few pancakes would jog my memory.