@AngryRaccoon2

“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”

-Netflix.

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@TweetPotato314

date: i like a guy who’s strong-

me: i can bench 130 lbs

date: enough to tell the truth

me: on the moon

@tastefactory

Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*

@iinkedZombie

Me: You have to be nice or Santa won’t deliver any toys this year.

5:

Me:

5: My brother lets me play with his.

@TinaraMinus10

Hmmm, why don’t we try reincarnation. Here, take this razor blade and I’ll leave you alone for a few moments…

-me as a therapist

@Dawn_M_

My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.

@FatherofTweet

Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”

@AlmightyBored

My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.

@Mister_Veritas

ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?

@thenatewolf

ME: Detectives on tv always take people to diners to ask them questions.

DETECTIVE: [sighs]

ME: Maybe a few pancakes would jog my memory.