Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

then why did i get this email

The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.

oh ffs josh did you not read the email

When my kids ask me anything before coffee

Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.

When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.

Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related

my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock

If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?

Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming

no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat

The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.

My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”

Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.

Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”

Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”

I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me

Hey girl, do you like bad boys?

[drinks milk from carton]

Or REALLY bad boys?

[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]

You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.

It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.

ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working

GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure

Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.

u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad

I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”

Hello, my voicemail is currently unavailable. To leave a message please speak slowly and clearly into the nearest toaster

I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.

Going to start a dating site for bald people that’s completely free.

You don’t have toupee.

Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:

customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese

me: sorry, we only take cash

manager: can I talk to you