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*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
No, your message in a bottle does not find me well, it finds me drowning
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends