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I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”