hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
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So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
I told my vodka about you.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
first caveman to see fire: well this is a buncha bullshit that no one needs (stomps it out) and i predict that’s the last i’ll ever see of that
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
I could compete in the Olympics, I just need to run or swim faster. I think it would be easy to do
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
What do you call a woman that sets her credit card bills on fire?
Bernadette.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
#SailorMoon ain’t got nothing on…
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap