hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
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doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
Headlines With Threatening Auras.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
if my boxing knowledge is correct, now would be an ideal time to do an elaborate heist at the bellagio casino with a charming gang of rogues
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
my mind
You just read my mind
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
Ostracized? Buddy, why would I want to be turned into a bird that can’t fly?
I missed you with all my darts
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila