hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
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Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
hackers play passwordle
😆this is so true
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]