hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
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Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
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Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
You can’t outrun your problems…
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
✨☝️✨
can’t catch a break
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life