“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
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TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
A jury of my peers wouldn’t get out of bed
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
*feels the wind in my toe hair
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh