“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
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6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
next level snooze
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
new year update: losing everything but weight