Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco

Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.

[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottle

Waiter: One ketchup coming up

I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad

Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??

Being a parent:

Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throwing away Anything, Ever. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican druglord ….

Hahahahahahahaah.

any last words?

Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.

If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.

If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.

I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*

[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again

ME: You’re making me rock hard.

MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?

ME:

A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.

You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.

Psssst.

Hey you,

Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it

Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.

I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details

Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.

At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……

Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”

[5 minutes later]

“twice”

Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs

If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it

Parent level: expert

If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.

9yo: Did you know that long, long ago. Like, really long ago, it took computers MINUTES to connect to the internet. Like actual MINUTES.
Me: Yeah… I knew that.
9yo: Of course you did because you like history.
Me: Go away now.

December has 5 Saturdays.

FIVE.

That November salary will be fighting for its life.

Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar

the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”