Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume

me: is there a law against it?

cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession

Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.

Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard

Her: Okay

Him: You don’t mind?

Her: Nope

Him: Great

Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce

Him: You’ve made your point

The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.

Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?

[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!

I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.

Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.

Marriage.

A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.

Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.

Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….

I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.

[at dinner]

Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*

Wife: What are you doing?

Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom

“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”

~Bamm Bamm

Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:

-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent

*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down

Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.

Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…

100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion

wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP

me: who’s all gonna be there

if your best friend is whoever wishes you happy birthday first, mine is a dentist’s office i went to once 7 years ago

Oh no Moo Deng noo!!

[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.

Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine

Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’

MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.

Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever

[3 hrs later]

9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?

[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]

Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.

Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.

Cop: Can I see some ID?

Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]

Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge

“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”

-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.

Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco