Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
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“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
How to tell if your cat is a dog:
1) it barks
2) it doesn’t hate you
3) someone once said aw cute dog
4) it’s like a horse but slower
Morning meeting about improving communication cancelled because not everyone knew about it.
I wish I could make this up.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
In 1987 I became the first man to beat an IBM computer in a hotdog eating contest.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.