“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
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[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
LMAO.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have