Alcohol is claiming me as a dependent on his taxes this year.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
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“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
If a lady ever jumped out of my cake goddamnit she better be holding more cake
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
G: It’s complicated.
If the bride tosses you the bouquet, how long are you allowed to beat her with it?
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
“Sorry, I have to take this call.”
“That’s a banana. And it’s half eaten.”
*covers banana with hand
“I don’t tell you how to do business.”
I’m sitting in my car eating mini eggs and crying and the dude who just pulled up next to me looked in my car and then decided to park somewhere else
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.