@oxygenplug

“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”

“Juicy Juice”

“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”

“Juicy. Juice.”

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@ThugRaccoons

Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry

Me: I don’t like you now

@rinbcage

“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”

@IngestMyBabies

If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.

@duumb

Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.

Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!

@KimmyMonte

How to tell if your cat is a dog:
1) it barks
2) it doesn’t hate you
3) someone once said aw cute dog
4) it’s like a horse but slower

@GayDeceiver

Morning meeting about improving communication cancelled because not everyone knew about it.

I wish I could make this up.

@Browtweaten

Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?

Me: I found the place

Owner: So?

Me: Finders keepers

Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn

@thrillhicks

In 1987 I became the first man to beat an IBM computer in a hotdog eating contest.

@HenpeckedHal

My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.