“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
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a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
When I was a kid this either meant you better run for your life or it was spaghetti night.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
looking for a job in america is kinda wild
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
If you drink a lot of water, you won’t have time for other people’s drama because you’ll be too busy looking for a bathroom.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Does your wife know you’re single?
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?