Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.

At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”

My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.

Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things

what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep

I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!

*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closet

It’s so hard to meet people these days

If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.

*sets alarm for 6:30*

Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED

Her: Where have you been?

Me: I went to see a shrink.

Her: Are you having emotional problems?

Me: No… I just want to be smaller.

I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.

3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!

Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??

7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!

Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek

Nobody:

Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this

“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”

How bout some chairs?

“That idea sucks”

A little pond to throw money in?

“Oh hell yeah”

Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”

Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.

We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.

“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”

Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:

-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane

Bill is short for Billiam

@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!

My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.

Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.

I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits

Gets pulled over:

” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”

3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.

Me: Which one, buddy?

3: Any of them.

I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them

some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures

Look, all I’m saying is that it would be far more impressive to see someone turn lemonade into lemons

Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.