I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
Hey whatcha eating?
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
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Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
I’m “whenever my mother calls, I think it’s because someone’s dead” years old.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
*Watching YouTube videos*
Boss: What are you watching?
Boss: That’s a dog on a unicycle.
Me: Praise The Lord!
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14