Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
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My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
My husband and I take turns unloading the dishwasher, but I usually rerun it or pretend it’s his turn. He does the same, so basically, the dishwasher hasn’t been unloaded in three years.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Dear people that say new year new me, I don’t like either one of you
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.