Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.

@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…

Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”

How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”

You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.

a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.

Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”

If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful

Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.

ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm

my mom: you still coming over today?

me: definitely

mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—

me: i cant make it

If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.

The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day

I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.

Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap

I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.

Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this

I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.

She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.

Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.

I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?

all that yoga finally paid off

ME: how about a horn solo

DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works

I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.

YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads

Rose: I’ll never let go

Jack: are you sure aboat that lol

Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before

Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo

Rose: maybe you should let go

Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”

My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard

My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.

The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.