“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
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Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
My new work colleague went to Argentina on holiday in September. I knew instantly he and I were not going to be friends when I said to him “at that time of year, it can be bordering on Chile” and he proceeded to tell me he was okay as he’d taken a jacket.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?