Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.

my friend told me he couldn’t hang out because he ate a handful of fruit snacks and I was like “um ok glucose queen go off” and then he was like “my mom was visiting and she combined my THC gummies and my melatonin gummies with my fruit snacks and I don’t know what I just ate”

Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE

Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??

That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes

thanking the kid in his karate uniform for his service

depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound

If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.

me: is there a doctor on this plane?????

doctor: i’m a doctor

me: my mom wants us to meet

I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living

seriously you guys

“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”

hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad

“Ok thanks dad”

well shit

“You think I’m smart, right?”

Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.

Annnd that’s how the fight started.

If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.

I don’t make the rules.

Me: *Posing nude for the first time*

Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh

“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.

I’m having an out of money experience.

Cop: spread’em!

Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*

With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.

When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”

[Me, on my deathbed]

Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?

*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest

We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.

running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages

“There’s a clown hanging over you.”

“You mean cloud.”

“I wish I did.”

“Dammit.”

My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?

God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.

[concert]

lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?

me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!

Coffee: YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!

Me: I don’t wanna

Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?

It was less hassle.