“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
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[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
Sometimes when I’m looking up restaurant reviews and comparing menus I think to myself… “that light was green right?”
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Its a hippotatomus
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.