Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
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Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
[On a road trip]
Kids: Oooh a Waffle House! Can we eat there?!
Husband: Hard pass. I’ve seen y’all fight, and frankly, it’s not gonna cut it.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
He went from scream to scary movie in seconds😭
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.