Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.

baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy

Rejected Olympic Events:

Javelin Catch

Jello Shotput

Border Fencing

Cardboard Boxing

Menstrual Cycling

Salad Tossing

Wrestling Demons

I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes

Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.

When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.

[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]

Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful

I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato

Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’

Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’

[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]

A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”

Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.

When I laugh on my period

Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.

Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.

me: if you love someone set them free

boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners

me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad

A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.

Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”

I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”

Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.

I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.

If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.

Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:

cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees

Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.

What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?

Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?

All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today

I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.

[Being Tortured]

Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?

Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee

Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant

[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.

“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”

“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”

[Massive thud]

“I’ll just check.”