Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
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*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
people who own banana costumes will wear that shit to anything. its labor day and theyre like waittt u know what would be perfect rn
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
People who talk to themselves tend to be great lovers.
Did you know that?
Yes, I did know that.
Thank you for asking.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired