Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
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My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
bragging about how I’ve “really turned my life around recently” without mentioning in which direction
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
mood
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
The days of good grammer has went
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Okay just a reminder for everyone to mute themselves.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
still the best tweet of the year by far
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.