Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.

*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*

Operator: 911

Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?

O: Relax sir, is this her first born?

Me: No, this is her husband.

if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers

I tried to pay with cash today, and the kid at the register looked at me like I was showing him a magic trick.

Dr Raygun has achieved a feat absolutely unheard of in academia – people are reading her thesis

[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already

inefficient if literal:

a dust bowl

there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.

Houston, we have a problem

Houston: new phone who dis

A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay

Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.

Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”

All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand

The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds

You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.

When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.

I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington

I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.

A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.

It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…

“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”

Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.

HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?

ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations

[heaven]

god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.

cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish

[3 days into dieting]

*sees ad for burger & fries*

*drowns in his own saliva*

“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”

-cheapskates

[Frankenstein Castle]

MAMA: You need to make more friends

VICTOR: Fine…

{later}

MAMA: I should have been more specific

I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.

Me: I’m terrified of random letters

Therapist: You are?

Me: (Screams)

Therapist: I see

Me: (Scream intensifies)