“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
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Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
