“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
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I’m reading a podiatrist handbook. All it contains is footnotes
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
How did we not see this back then?
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there