Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.

my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68f

me: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?

My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle

My 4yo: Let’s play a game!

Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?

4: No. Yes.

I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.

[blind date]

Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS

Her: Hi, I’m Linda

Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*

We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.

My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…

I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”

If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.

Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.

PSA: if you are experiencing performance issues in Stardew Valley 1.6, remove all hats from pets. We will address the problem as soon as possible

Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.

Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.

My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock

Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves

But I don’t like to point fingers

After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.

“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.

Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.

Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.

This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great

im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes

Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?

14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.

He’s been off for 17 days.

Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts

If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?

Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?

Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded

What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.

me: hate mechanics who talk down to me

also me: this guy is perfect

Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning

Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.

I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.

If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.

ME: Ed is coming over

WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?

ED: Iran

ME: I’m not sure