“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
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If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
No one shoots at your feet and tells you to dance anymore