Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Best correction of the day, if not ever:

NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!

In love:

😐

Uncertain:

😐

Just married:

😐

Pregnant:

😐

Dead:

😐

Only $139.95! Act now!

And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself

Never again would she do what Simon said

Me: How’d you injure your back?

Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”

Me: I lost 35 pounds today.

Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?

Not wearing deodorant because I put lotion on my hands and couldn’t get the cap off

Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.

It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.

prepare for carbonated trouble

Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.

Art by Pastelkatto

I reached for the kitchen scissors and they weren’t there so someone is very very lucky this cheese opened on the tear line like it’s supposed to.

Bye, have a great day. I’ll see you after school, I tell the orange in my kid’s lunch

🖤✌🏽

We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.

Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials

After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?

*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok

My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.

When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.

ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?

ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa

Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!

Me: 3 miles today.

Him: On the treadmill?

Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.

I hate when kids say “what the..” because what the fck was you bouta say ??? 🤨

My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.

just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys

[restaurant]

WAITER: are you ready to order

DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew

WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it

DAD:

WAITER:

DAD: i’ll have the chicken

*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*

*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]

*Moses opens tablet*

You have TEN unread commandments.