Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’ve had a breakdown.

Tow truck company: Where’s your car?

Me: Car?

My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.

this full container of cheese balls just rolled out of somebody’s truck onto the road

I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.

This one never gets the credit it deserves

“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”

Who comes up with this kinda stuff

I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.

#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

None – it’s a hardware problem.

Overheard at the grocery store:

“Oh, I need a baguette.”

“A female bag?”

“God, you’re such a himbo, Kyle.”

*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*

*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*

I don’t need therapy. I just barked at a pedestrian crossing the street. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life

Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?

Human: we are an advanced species

A: how do you travel?

H: we light old dinosaurs on fire

Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.

BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?

ROBHURT: yeh

In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh

wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again

people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical

Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.

Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.

If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you

Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL

“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup

This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.

DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers

“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.

Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?

You don’t know what you’re missing

Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.

Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.

the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like