Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating

[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie

Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December

I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.

Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.

Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?

“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”

Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest

😂

Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.

There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs

Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?

Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.

I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment

*The British. The British need to hear this

I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.

If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.

Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.

me: i recently lost my job

date: oh no what happened

me: the office relocated and i can’t find it

me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen

also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign

also also me: you can both be right!

fourth me: you guys talk too much

The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.

Nobody:

Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”

I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.

wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about

There are two kinds of people.

Try not to be either one of them.

If you’re being pursued by an assailant on a space hopper, a tack is the best form of defence.

Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.

This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.

Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.

I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.

Cop: know why I pulled you over?

“Hopefully to arrest me.”

Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.