Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
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imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
real
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
Not many people know this but memory foam mattresses are made from elephant.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
My niece is a child psychologist.
For a 12 y/o, her diagnoses are remarkably accurate!
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
To every YT creator out there
Never put text on the bottom..
Biggest mistake in my life.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
You saw nothing. I am ham.
