Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
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“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Worst Native American name ever.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
The babysitter allowed our 4 year old to design 11 Boeing airliners today
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
I was binging Friends with my 14yo and there was a cliffhanger episode and I mentioned that we used to have to wait a week to find out what happened and she looked at me like I just told her we had no running water.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
Cold.
Inside me, there are two wolves and neither one of them knows what to make for dinner.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
dislike seeing adult twins in public. feels like they’re going to ask me a riddle
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.