Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
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Not telling the NYPD how to do their job but if they really wanted to catch the guy they should have offered free healthcare as a reward
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Not to get political, but my vote will go to the candidate who promises to pass a law making it illegal to earnestly call a sandwich a “sando.”
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
Persuading my cat to go outside in the cold is a bit like when I had to encourage my daughter to go down the slide when she was 5.
Go on.
You can do it.
Brave girl.
GO ON.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.