Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
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cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
My 9yo misses having a dog so I took her to the dog park. A dog owner came up to me to chat and asked “which one’s yours?”
I pointed to my daughter.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.