hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
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6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
I hope this is the year Santa brings me a DNA testing kit so I can finally figure out which kid has been leaving all the glasses in the sink after I’ve cleaned the kitchen
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.