hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
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What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.