hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
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“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.