hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
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[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
you could not pay me to delete this app
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!